Anna Vasilyevna Chapman’s Mugshot. / Photo by U.S. Marshals Services. 

Right now, in News Rooms across the United States of America, there is not a long nail to be found. Chewed down to their hyponychium’s. (you know, fingertips.) All in anticipation of what will be in Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s report. Mr. Mueller handed in the report on Friday, in typical Washington fashion, and now it is being examined and gone over with a fat black sharpie before it can be released this Sunday. (Maybe).

Redacting for a living must suck.

The report is the culmination of just shy of 2 years worth of investigations into whether the current President of the United States, Donald Trump, colluded with agents from the Russian government in order to win the 2016 Presidential Election. A dastardly plan if there ever was one.

As an American, and a voter, I would have to agree with the premise of the investigation. The last thing any nation wants, is to find out their elected official, especially to the highest office, had stolen the election. Bad form old boy, bad form.

Yet when I first heard the stirrings of something may be rotten in Trump Tower, I was puzzled by the collusion aspect of the case. See, I’m a child of the Cold War. Growing up hearing stories of spies and what motivated them. Although the Red Scare was gone by the time I came of age, there was still this lingering fear that somewhere, somehow, a spy lurked deep in our government. The idea, that a Billionaire, running for President would be colluding with the Russian Government to win? Seem a little far-fetched.

Russians love to use your vice.


See, the one take away from the Cold War is that many of the spies? They weren’t driven by ideology, they were driven by financial stress. And once they opened that Pandora’s box and gave the Soviets something? Well, there was no backing out. Because if they did? The Soviets would blackmail them. It was a perfect trap, you didn’t need to be a believer, you needed to be a loser.

Of course a pretty girl is also a way to get men to talk. Anna Chapman (pictured above) is known for using sex appeal to get people to talk to her. Maria Butina, an alleged Russian Spy, was reportedly trying to ingrain herself into the National Rifle Association. (NRA)

Russians exploit weaknesses. They use our vices to wiggled their way in and get what they want. When it comes to Trump, you kind of have to scratch your head at the concept.


Oh yeah, about Trump. 


Just for the record. Back in January 2016, while on vacation in Punta Cana in the Dominican Republic, I convinced two Canadian women that Trump will not be elected President.

Because honestly? I didn’t think he would win the primaries, much less the Presidency. I am sure I am not alone in my shock.

But, the man who had been in the public eye for years, from a Real Estate mogul, to a Reality Television host, everyone knew who Trump was. Very little about his life was in the shadows.

Now most politicians are rather shy. Yes they have a public persona, but they are real experts at keeping many parts of their lives private. Reporters spend days digging up dirt on these politicians, along with oppositional political operatives. Politicians have the luxury of being just them and a small inner circle. Hiding minor screw ups from their past is doable. But when most of the Nation (If not a large segment of the World) knows your name? And you have turned your name into a brand? Every reporter, every enemy, has been digging into your personal kitty litter box. They know where you hid your poop.

While Trump may have his secrets, and may have a ‘shady deal’ or two in his past. To say he has some deep dark secret that no one has a clue about? Mmmm Doubtful. Not impossible, but doubtful.


How the Russians turned Trump.


The issue with Trump colluding with the Russians is what on Earth could they offer him? The Presidency? Okay, maybe. But was Trump ever going to lose? Think about it. If Trump lost, would he fade away like all the past contenders of the Presidency? No, he would have started a reality show called “How to be President”. Okay, probably something named better than that. He’s a clever dude, but you get the point. Trump would not have lost, even if he did lose. Fading away to oblivion, or going back to the office would not do for Donald J. Trump. You would know he ran for President, even if he lost. And you would hear about it Often. Usually when President Hillary Clinton messed up. Come on, you know he would be on every talk show telling us what he would have done. That is just him.

So maybe the Russians wanted to blackmail him? Because no one has ever dug into Trumps past before. Oh! Maybe they have a video of him saying something totally absurd and misogynistic! Oops! Who needs Russians for that?

I seriously doubt money was offered as a bribe. And I don’t think any Russian redhead’s were hanging around. Even if there were? He would probably shrug it off.


A little something for everyone. 


I have to agree with political pundits on this point. Tomorrow (maybe) we will see what the Mueller Report is all about. In that report will be a little something for everyone. Depending upon your opinions on Trump, that will jade your interpretation.

One thing will become abundantly clear. Trump did not collude with the Russians. Not because he is a perfect man. Not because Russian agents weren’t milling about in hopes of finding something.  But because Russians do not collude. It is not their style.

You can stop biting your nails now.



[The opinions expressed in this blog are solely for entertainment purposes. Despite what may be read in the Mueller report, the author did not collude with any Russians. He did speak with one today, but it was not colluding. No redhead’s were hurt in the making of this blog. Redhead’s are cool, spies or not, my mom was a redhead and not a spy. She just KNEW shit.]